2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
