Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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