so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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