The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
