After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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