Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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