Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
