I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
