I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
