I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
