i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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