good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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