so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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