I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
