if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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