I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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