Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
