gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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