his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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