I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.