Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
