I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
