3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize