Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
