Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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