I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
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My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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