my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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