dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
