I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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