woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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