the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i love accidental penises.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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