I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want to make out with him forever
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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