I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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