On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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