I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
