is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I pour the whiskey from now on
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
