Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
