Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
