I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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