I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
