we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
