you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
