That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
