i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
