she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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