Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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