Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
