Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude