This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter