I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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