I think my fart just growled at me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it