Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Houston, we have a blender
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
