Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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