i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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