OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
