when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
